


Hidden Truths

by adrianjoshua



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Trans Male Character, and i don’t know how to tag lol, they’re dummies and don’t know how to Communicate, trans simon snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:49:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianjoshua/pseuds/adrianjoshua
Summary: “I mean, sure, we haven’t turned out like most soulmates,” I nearly choke on the word. “But honestly? I wouldn’t trade my time with you for the world.” Aleister Crowley, where had that come from?





	Hidden Truths

Simon  
“Shit!” I exclaim, shooting out of bed. I’m running seriously late, and my first class starts in only 10 minutes. I tear off my shirt and grab my binder, tugging it on as quickly as possible. I pull on my jeans and am reaching for my shirt when Baz swings open the bathroom door. His eyes widen minutely as he takes in the fact that I’m standing in front of him, shirtless-well, almost. I feels my heart stop as I realize what Baz is seeing for the first time.  
“Baz don’t-” I start, but I’m quickly interrupted.   
“Put your shirt on Snow.” Baz says, voice dripping with annoyance as he leaves the room. I stare after him with wide eyes, my heart thundering in my chest. What if Baz outs me? I have to talk to him before he can. 

Baz  
I am losing my mind. I just saw Snow shirtless, and received confirmation about something I’ve suspected for a long time. Snow is trans. I had my suspicions of course, we had been living with one another for the past 7 years, but this-this was concrete proof. It didn’t change anything, not at all, but it did explain so much.   
I can’t help but glance down at my wrist where Simon’s name stares back at me, stark black against his pale skin. I remember a night when I was 9 years old and my wrist burned as the letters changed from Sarah to Simon. I hadn’t understood at the time what it meant, and I had even asked my mom if it meant that my soulmate had died and been replaced. I didn’t like the thought of that-you were only supposed to have one soulmate, that was the whole point. My mom hadn’t known what it meant either, not at the time. I hadn’t even made the connection until I started piecing together Simon’s secret our 3rd year.   
“Baz, wait!” a voice calls out, causing the me to sigh. I keep walking, though I slow down just a little bit to let Snow catch up to me. He’s panting when he reaches me, and he looks like a wreck. His tie isn’t even tied and his shirt is untucked.   
“You can’t-Baz please don’t tell anyone that… you know…” he stutters out, and I can feel his magic coming off of him in waves. It smells like smoke and I can’t help but wrinkle my nose.   
“Don’t be ridiculous Snow.” I say, rolling my eyes. “I may hate you but I’m not going to air out your personal business.”   
Simon’s shoulders slump with relief and I can already feel his magic retreating.   
“Thank you.” he says, directing a relieved smile my way. I rolls my eyes again, then stop, grabbing Snow before he can keep walking. I can’t stand his ruffled appearance.   
“Come here, you look ridiculous.” I say, already expertly tying his tie onto him. Simon’s cheeks are red as he waits for me to finish, and I can’t help but smirk a bit. Snow’s always been oblivious, but the fact that he hasn’t picked up on my hopeless crush on him is a bit ridiculous. I glance at his wrist as I step away, my eyes catching on my own name written in looping letters on his wrist. We’ve known we were soulmates since that first day we met, and it’s common knowledge amongst Watford students. We’re broken, soulmates who can’t love each other. Well, it’s at least halfway true.  
“There.” I finally say, patting his chest and stepping back. “Tuck in your shirt.” I call over my shoulder, already walking away. I end up being 10 minutes late for class. 

Simon  
“He knows Penny.” I say as soon as I sit down. Penny looks confused for a moment before her eyes widen.   
“How?” She asks, leaning forward so we can keep our voices down.   
“I was running late this morning and I thought he was gone and I was just wearing my binder-” I’m rambling at this point and Penny reaches over to place a comforting hand on my shoulder.   
“Calm down Simon. Did you talk to him?” She asks, always the voice of reason. I nod.   
“Yes. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but what if he’s lying?” I don’t think that he is, but the anxiety of this entire situation has been eating at me all day. I look up and see Baz staring at me from across the room. He quickly averts his gaze when I catch him watching me, and I frown.   
“Simon, are you listening to me?” Penny asks, snapping her fingers in front of my face.   
“Sorry Penny.” I say, cheeks flushing as I turn my attention back to her. I’m sure that Baz is plotting something horrible, but I know Penny won’t want to hear it.   
“I was saying that as horrible as Baz is, I don’t think he’ll be mean about this.” She says, smiling gently. Despite my suspicion, I feel myself relax a little at her words. Maybe she’s right. I mean, he had told me that he wasn’t going to air out my personal business.   
“I hope you’re right.” I say, taking a bite of my sandwich. I’m starving to be quite honest, seeing as I hadn’t had a chance to eat breakfast this morning. Penny’s face is twisted in disgust as she watches me devour my food, but I could care less. 

Baz  
Snow is acting strangely. He has been ever since I walked in on him changing. He avoids me, but I still feel his eyes on me every time I turn my back to him. I’m getting sick of it.  
“Crowley Snow, take a picture, it’ll last longer.” I spit, turning in my chair to look at him. He’s sitting on his bed, homework open on his lap, and he at least has the decency to look sheepish about getting caught.   
“Sorry.” He mumbles, looking down at his paper. He’s got a pen stuck in his mouth and I briefly imagine it exploding all over his face.   
“Look Snow,” I start, turning in my chair to fully face him. “I know you don’t believe me, but I swear I won’t tell anyone that you’re trans.” Simon flinches as I mention it out loud, and something inside me breaks a little. He should never be ashamed for who he is.   
“I know, it’s just… I’m not used to anyone knowing besides Penny, Agatha, and the Mage.” He says, his voice quiet. He runs a hand through his hair a little too roughly and I frown, wishing I could reach out and hold his hands, wishing I could keep him from being so rough on himself.   
“If it would make you feel better I could make a magic vow.” I suggest. I don’t really want to, not because I want to have this to hold over his head but because I want him to trust me.   
“No, it’s okay.” He says, shaking his head, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I turn back around, thinking the conversation is over, but I’ve always been wrong when it comes to Snow.   
“Hey, Baz?” He asks, and I can’t help but think he sounds even more nervous than before.   
“Hmm?” I ask, not turning back around. I chew on the end of my pencil absentmindedly and stare at the book on my desk.   
“Has your wrist always said Simon?” He asks, and it feels as though he’s struck me across the face. We never talk about this, about our intertwined fates. About the fact that we’re soulmates. I spend a brief moment to be grateful that I haven’t fed in a few days-if I had my cheeks would be flaming.   
“No.” I admit. “It used to say Sarah.” I’m eyeing Snow out of the corner of my eye and I don’t miss it when he flinches back. “Sorry” I add then, not having meant to hurt him.   
“It’s alright I just… didn’t expect it, that’s all.” He says, flashing me a reassuring smile. “I always did wonder how that worked. I thought maybe it just always said Simon. When I came out I was always worried that maybe my soulmate’s wrist would still say my deadname.”   
I finally turned back to him, wondering why he’s suddenly being so open.   
“The name changed when I was nine years old.” I say, though I’m unsure why I’m telling him this. “I thought that maybe my soulmate had died.” Snow laughs and I can’t help but smile along with him.   
“Maybe it would have been better if I had.” he says. He’s trying to pass it off as a joke, but I can see the carefully hidden pain in his expression. I always have been able to read him like a book.   
“I don’t think so.” I say, unable to stop myself. He looks startled and honestly, I can’t blame him.   
“I mean, sure, we haven’t turned out like most soulmates,” I nearly choke on the word. “But honestly? I wouldn’t trade my time with you for the world.” Aleister Crowley, where had that come from? Snow is blushing and I clear my throat, turning back to my desk.   
“You mean that?” He asks after a moment, and my heart feels as though it’s in my throat. I just nod, unable to form words. 

Simon   
Baz has practically admitted that he doesn’t hate me and I feel like my entire world’s been flipped upside down. He won’t look at me but that’s okay. Just the fact that he’s glad I’m in his life is enough for now. I smile as I return to my homework-at least, I try to. I’ve never been good at doing my work, especially without Penny around.  
I’ve managed to struggle through a page and a half of my work by the time my ribs begin to ache. I wince and shift a little, hoping Baz doesn’t notice. But he’s Baz, so of course he does.   
“What’s wrong Snow?” He asks, barely even glancing up from his work.   
“It’s nothing.” I mumble, knowing he’s not going to let it go. For someone who claims not to care about my wellbeing (though apparently he does?), he sure does push me to take care of myself a lot.   
“Snow.” he says, levelling me with a stare that I know means I’m not getting out of this.   
“I’ve just been wearing my binder for a while.” I say, waving him away. He frowns.   
“How long?” I curse him in my head, wishing he wasn’t as bright as he is.   
“Uh. 10 hours maybe?” I know it’s bad, but I don’t want to face the dysphoria that comes when I take it off. His frown deepens and he shakes his head.   
“Snakes alive, Snow.” he murmurs, nose pinched between his pointer and thumb. “Go take it off.” It’s not a suggestion, and I pout as I get to my feet and disappear into the bathroom. It’s strange that he suddenly seems to care for my safety; he’s never cared before? Is it pity? I quickly remove my binder and stare at myself in the mirror, my face twisting. I quickly pull my shirt back over my head and exit the bathroom, throwing my binder on my dresser.   
“Do you pity me?” I blurt, pausing on my walk back to my bed and staring directly at Baz. He raises an eyebrow.   
“What?” he seems confused, which I have to admit is a good look on him. I’ve never seen him look so out of his depth.   
“I just-ever since you learned about, well, you know, you’ve been. Nicer, I guess?” I stumble through my words, not quite sure how to phrase this. “I don’t need pity.”  
“I don’t pity you Snow.” He says, rolling his eyes. Why does he always do that?   
“Then why are you being so nice to me?” I ask, growing more and more frustrated by the second. He doesn’t answer, just rolls his eyes again.   
“Baz.” I say. I feel like we’re on the precipice of something, but I don’t know what.   
“Shut up Snow.” he grumbles, eyes glued to his book. He’s so infuriating.   
“You’ve never been as nice to me as you have been this last week and the only thing that’s changed is you knowing I’m trans. I’m not stupid Baz, I can tell-”   
“Maybe I’m just tired of us constantly being at each other’s throats! Crowley Simon, we’re supposed to love each other but instead you hate my guts.” He says, and I see him regretting it as soon as the words have left his mouth. 

Baz  
I cannot believe I just said that. What made me think that was a good thing to say? He has to know now, that wasn’t vague in the slightest. He knows that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with him.   
“I’m just going to-” I jerk my head towards the door and get off my bed, planning on heading to the catacombs and never coming out again. I’m halfway to the door when Snow speaks, stopping me in my tracks.   
“You called me Simon.” He says, his voice soft. I roll my eyes. Of course that’s the part he chose to pick up on.   
“No I didn’t.” I deny, even though I absolutely did.   
“Yes, you did.” He says, turning to face me. He’s smiling, a wide, teeth-baring grin that I can’t help but love.  
“Don’t be ridiculous Snow.” I scoff. I eye the door longingly. I just want to escape this entire situation. I startle when he reaches out to lift my wrist to his eyes. He’s running his fingers along the mark there-his own name.   
“Maybe… maybe I could learn.” He says, his voice nearly a whisper. I shiver at his touch, unable to believe this is happening. “Maybe I could learn to love you.”   
“Snow-”   
“You called me Simon before.” He interjects, his bright blue eyes piercing into mine.   
“Simon. Don’t.” I say, squeezing my eyes shut. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed. I don’t think I could survive having my heart broken by him. He slides his hand down, intertwining my fingers with his. He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted and it’s too much. I break away and yank open the door, running away from our room and away from Simon. 

Simon  
I’m left standing in the middle of our room, dumbstruck as I stare at the open door that Baz just disappeared through. I don’t know what came over me-we’ve never talked like that before. We’ve barely ever acknowledged the fact that we’re soulmates. My heart is thundering in my chest and I can feel my magic sizzling beneath my skin. I feel like I might explode, so I do the only thing I know to do in this sort of situation. I go to Penny. 

“Oh Simon.” Her eyes are filled with pity and I hate it. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted when I made my way to the Cloisters in search of her. Now we’re sitting on the grass outside, the sky slowly turning dark around us.   
“I didn’t-I didn’t know that I even wanted that.” I mumble, rubbing at the mark on my   
wrist. The name Basilton stares back at me, almost mockingly. I groan and fall back onto the grass, staring up at the darkening sky. Stars are starting to twinkle into existence and I briefly wonder if Baz knows the constellations.  
“He’s your soulmate Simon.” She says exasperatedly. “Of course you wanted this. You just haven’t let yourself think about it.” She’s right of course. I remember nights where I stayed up long after Baz had fallen asleep, thinking about what would happen if I just slipped into bed beside him. I’ve always wanted this, I think. I just never thought it could happen.   
“It doesn’t matter. I freaked him out. He ran away from me.” I moan, running a hand through my hair.   
“Maybe he just needs to think it over. Didn’t you say he was the one who started the conversation?” Penny says, placing a comforting hand on my knee.   
“Who knows?” I say. “I might as well just die here.”   
“Simon.” Penny’s voice is disapproving. I know she hates when I joke about death. It hits a little too close to home considering my whole situation. Chosen One and all that.   
“Sorry.” I say, sitting back up. My ribs are aching again and I know I shouldn’t have put my binder back on. I can’t stand the thought of going out in public without it though.   
“It’s getting late. We should go to our rooms before we get in trouble.” Penny says, always the voice of reason. I groan at the thought, almost flopping back onto the grass again. Penny rolls her eyes at me (why does everyone do that?) and gets to her feet.   
“Come on Si.” She says, holding her hand out to help me up. We walk in silence as I drop her off at the Cloisters.   
“Good luck Simon.” She says, pressing a kiss to my cheek before disappearing through the door. I take a deep breath and turn, making my way back to Mummers House and my dorm. 

Baz  
I’ve been in the catacombs ever since the debacle with Snow in our room. I sat in front of my mom’s tomb and thought through everything, weighing the pros and cons of letting this…this thing between Snow and I grow. I’m standing outside our door now, debating on whether or not I should go in or just turn tail and go back to the catacombs when I hear him stomping up the stairs.   
“Baz?” His voice is quiet, almost shy. I turn slowly, biting at my lip anxiously.   
“Snow.” I say, keeping my voice level and calm. This hallway is too cramped, so I quickly spell the door open and step inside. He follows and it still feels like we’re too close.   
“Crowley, Snow have you ever heard of personal space?” I snap, immediately regretting it. His face spasms and he scurries to sit on his bed. I can tell he’s wearing his binder again, but I don’t say anything. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place.   
“Sorry.” He murmurs, eyes glued to the floor. I feel guilty, and I hate it. We aren’t supposed to be like this. We’re supposed to insult one another and hate each other.  
“Snow-” I start, only to be interrupted by the man himself.   
“I think I’m in love with you.” He says. He’s not looking at me and his cheeks are flushed bright red. My heart feels like it’s stopped in my chest. Is this happening?  
“I never let myself think about it. I didn’t think we could ever… ever be like that, you know?” He rambles, and I can tell he’s working himself into a fit. I just stare at him, awestruck. I can’t believe this is happening.   
“I just… I don’t know if you feel the same way or if you still hate me or whatever, I just. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know.” He says, taking a breath and finally looking up at me. His blue eyes are watery and I don’t think I could handle him crying right now. That’s what finally breaks me out of my stupor and launches me into action. I practically run to him, kneeling down on the floor in front of him.   
“I’ve loved you since 4th year.” I say, the admission passing my lips easily. “I didn’t   
want to. I tried to ignore it. I couldn’t though. I could never get you out of my thoughts.” His eyes are wide and his lips have fallen apart. I want to kiss him so bad.   
“Baz…” he says, and I laugh. This entire situation is so surreal.   
“I know. Pathetic, right?” I say, smiling up at him. He smiles back at me and I can’t help but lean up, question in my eyes.   
“Can I kiss you?” I ask, my eyes trained on his lips. He doesn’t say anything, just nods, and I surge up. Our lips meet and it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I can feel my mark burning on my wrist and I spare a moment to wonder if his is too.   
“Fuck,” He breathes when we finally break apart. He always has sworn like a Normal.   
“You’re gorgeous.” I murmur, pressing another kiss to his cheek. If his cheeks weren’t already as red as they are, I’m sure he’d be blushing. As it is, he splutters, pulling away and running a hand through his hair.   
“What… what now?” he asks a few moments later. I’m still sat on the floor in front of him, fiddling with his fingers.   
“Now… “ I say, my voice soft. “Now, we catch up. I’ve wanted to kiss you for 3 years Snow, and I plan on cashing that in.” I tease, a smirk on my lips. He laughs as I tackle him back on to his bed and I can’t help but think that everything is finally where it’s supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Simon Snow is a dummy in this fic! You should never bind for more than 8 hours! Don’t be like Simon! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my fic! Any feedback would be appreciated and I hope you have a fantastic day :)


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